Jack, Jill and Self-worth
Jack and Jill meet at a party. Full of charm and energy, Jack captivates Jill, leaving her emotionally invested. Over the next few days, he engages her in meaningful conversations, and their relationship deepens. Then, suddenly, everything changes. Without warning or explanation, Jack pulls away. Whether it’s ghosting, breadcrumbing, or stonewalling, Jill is left confused, without any communication or closure. It's a very different kind of frustration than a typical breakup because in addition to grief and anger now she also has to deal with lack of clarity, cognitive dissonance and even trying to guess her reality.
Jill spirals into self-doubt, obsessively wondering what went wrong. Did she do something to push him away? Was she not good enough? This lack of clarity triggers a cycle of rumination. Had Jack communicated his change in feelings and rationale or at the very least declared the decision, she might have found peace and moved on. But the absence of closure traps her in endless questions and unresolved emotions to a point where Jill is stuck replaying everything and frantically chasing that one underlying question- was it him or her?
How many of us have been Jill?
This scenario isn’t limited to romantic relationships. In platonic or professional dynamics, we’ve all experienced moments where someone we value and are made to believe that they value us too- suddenly pulls away, leaving us questioning ourselves. We’re left wondering: “What did I do wrong? Could I have done something differently?”
This reaction is tied to the tendency to link our self-worth to someone else’s actions. But here’s the truth: your value isn’t dependent on how others treat you. Millions of articles, and videos these days call out that fact over and over again but yet a lot of us find it hard to realize and understand it.
The Currency of Self-Worth
Let's take an example- each country uses a fiat money system which means each nation is allowed to operate under their understanding of the currency value. So let's say 1 USD is priced at 84 Indian money. Now tomorrow if India were to get up and price 1 dollar at 20 Rs. Then US will not call India trying to make a case or negotiate or understand why the dollar is devalued. From the US’s perspective- 1 dollar is still 1 dollar- regardless of what others think of its value. This is what self-worth means and should be owned as. Your value fundamentally is yours to own. Just because someone due to their reasons( good or bad, communicated or not, intentional or unintentional) is devaluing you today- it's not a reflection of your actual but their perceived value of you based on their understanding. Just like a single buyer not seeing the market value of a house doesn’t warrant the house seller to reduce the price or chase for an explanation- similarly- your self-worth is not and should not depend on how someone else is acting towards you!
Shifting Perspectives
If this concept feels challenging, let’s explore a few perspectives to help shift the mindset:
Why are they being different? Because people are allowed to change over time. There’s no point in holding someone to past standards or expectations. Life evolves, and so do people. Their needs and priorities may shift. Your dynamics with them as of today is with their present self and not their past self. So instead of focusing on why are they different than before- ask- knowing that they are different now- does that still work for me? Do I still want to show up like I did in the past? Just like they had a right to make a choice- so do you!
Ok but why can't they share the reason? Because others don’t owe you an explanation. Is it polite and decent to share the reason- Yes! Are we entitled to it? No! People are allowed to revisit their choices and needs and circle back to different desires without providing a rationale. It’s not personal. Of course where possible- ask once if they can share their perspective but beyond that- we are not entitled to a justification or an explanation by anyone. True closure has to come from within and not from someone outside you. A house seller or a shopkeeper- doesn't go running after every buyer who walks away trying to chase an explanation of why nor would a buyer hand over a laundry list of reasons why they don't want to buy the product anymore.
Ok, all that is fine but why can't they communicate the end clearly so that we can move on- Because sometimes people don't know how to. While it’s easy to label someone as a narcissist or cast it on insecure attachment style(Don’t we all love putting a label on someone to rationalize their actions just because we then understand the story), the reality is that people may be going through personal challenges of their own which we don’t fully understand or know of. Maybe they have a fear of conflict, maybe they have people-pleasing tendencies, maybe they haven't made a decision yet, maybe they are uncomfortable with growing intimacy and vulnerability, maybe they do care about you and don't want to directly say it, maybe they are unhealed and not self-aware- there could be a million reasons and none of that might be about who you are and your self-worth. Their inability to communicate doesn’t make you less valuable.
Conclusion
None of the above arguments are meant to imply- that it is ok for someone to discard you with or without a reason but the appeal to you here is- that inevitably life will bring you to that point with someone some time and when it does- it is critical to remind yourself- that you were always good enough and it was not your price but their affordability which was the problem. Just like in the currency example, your self-worth is yours to protect and maintain, regardless of how others treat you.
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